Napowrimo 26/27

DAY TWENTY SEVEN

PASTEL DE NATA

Where the Eccles cakes is Cadiz and how far is it from Albufeira and the pastel de nata questions like these rattle in my brain and sometimes I can't shake them the more I think about them the more they rattle me they steamroller me like scrambled eggs with the shells intact how mad is that and I'm not talking to the man next door over the garden wall any more things are much too complicated for that these days there's no such thing as a quick fix all I wanted was a transfer from Andalusia to Porto and a bottle of the local fortified wine to sip with my tapas at lunchtime instead they offered me fizzy lager and paella which turned out alright as it happened because the beer was freezing cold and the rice dish was so tasty that I went back for seconds or maybe thirds

27042026

Napowrimo 26/25

DAY TWENTY FIVE

THE WOLVERHAMPTON FIASCO

When I saw a private hire taxi registered in Wolverhampton on the streets of Manchester I thought he's on a good fare but I saw several more over the next few days so there must be some loophole in the law that allows private hire vehicles licenced in other boroughs to ply their trade in Manchester and driving around I spotted cars with taxi plates from Oldham and Rochdale a few from Knowsley in Merseyside and others from Hyndburn borough council operating in Manchester how daft is that I ask you but not as mad as the Wolverhampton fiasco where one plate was numbered eighty nine thousand and odd they must be handing them out like confetti which means therefore that there is one private hire plate for every three people in you guessed it Wolverhampton and I bet they still struggle getting a ride home on a Saturday night

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Napowrimo 26/24

DAY TWENTY FOUR

HER FINANCIAL SITUATION                   

Speculation intimidation what comes next I ask her she hesitates before replying then suddenly her mouth starts to quiver and she tells me that some things hurt her really bad like having no money to buy things from the supermarket and the thrift store or even the charity shops on the parade in the town square sometimes she says the shopkeepers tell her that her credit card has been declined but she knows that she has money in the bank from her part time job and the allowance that her ex sugar daddy deposits into her account every month so what's the flummin' problem she shouts back at the woman in the store thinking that the woman knows the ins and outs of her financial situation but just wants to make her look silly in front of the other customers in the shop why and what for she'll never know

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Happy New Year 2026

Reworked:

BATMAN AND CARRUTHERS

Who can tell what spell will unfold this New Year if we mistake it for something unpleasant will we even make it some of us won't that's for sure the way the clock trickles down like the toxic tears of a clown another season for all and sundry to live life to the full foolish as it may seem it's a dream for some of us what's your New Years resolution gonna be the same as last year I bet but you'll keep it this time or will you start on February the second like me so long as it's a Tuesday and the weekend is over I hear you say Carruthers and remember what you said about Christmas when I asked what day it was on you said I'm not all that bothered Batman as long as it's not Friday the thirteenth upstairs downstairs or in your ladies chamber

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Original piece:

BATMAN AND CARRUTHERS

Upstairs downstairs or in yer ladies chamber

who can tell what spell will or won't unfold

New Year-ness less we forsake it mistake it

for something or other unpleasant or not

Will we even make it some of us won't

that's for sure the way the clock trickles

like the toxic tears of a clown tic tock down

for another season another reason

for all and sundry to live life to the full

Foolish as it may or may not seem

it's a dream for some and a necessity for others

What's your New Years resolution gonna be

the same as last year but you'll keep it this time

or will you start on February the second like me

So long as it's a Tuesday and the weekend is over

and well and truly behind you Carruthers

Remember what you said about Christmas

when I asked you what day it was on

You said I'm not all that bothered Batman

as long as it's not Friday the thirteenth

Who can tell what spell will or won't unfold

Upstairs downstairs or in yer ladies chamber

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Napowrimo 2025/28

 APRIL TWENTY EIGHT

THE SEMI FINAL (ON TV)

Watching the FA Cup semi final and some of the pundits must have been at a different game City were two nil up and Forest couldn't hit a barn door if they were standing on the latch they hit the bar and the post but unless it hits the back of the net you might as well have stayed at home but what worried me was the bias from the TV commentators before during and even after the game they not only fancied Forest to win but against every statistic in the book they claimed that the mediocre side from Nottinghamshire should have won if only they had done such and such and not missed this or that regardless of the yellow cards that each side received they wanted to send Grealish off for a high kick however the Forest manager conceded after the match that the best team won

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Napowrimo 2025/21

 

APRIL TWENTY ONE

SPARE LETTERS

The lines are getting longer than the queue for bread in nineteen forty two every single letter printed on the page becomes swallowed up inside a world of words producing a sentence then a paragraph or three page after page until the chapters engage the reader with thoughts he never knew before take it or leave it tickle me pink with your pen and ink but don't go sketch me with your quill or scratch me from your will and his portrait hangs in the gallery where the party people hang about drumming up trade for the man we never knew that's banging the drum when every other day is long the longest day turns and runs you can hardly tell that to the trees or to the birds and bees that the wind is blowing it all at all and we're spectators like spare letters left on the page

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Napowrimo 2025/14

 APRIL FOURTEEN

FINDING GOLD

Dreaming like they were when they sailed through the Strait of Gibraltar from the Mediterranean to the Atlantic Ocean like Thor Heyerdahl did on his way to Tenerife and perhaps Jason and the Argonauts hugging the North African coast heading down to Agadir others went before them the stuff that myths are made of Thor thought the ancient pyramid builders passed that way from Egypt en-route to South America stopping at Tenerife and throwing up a pyramid or two but when they were finally excavated it turned out they had been built on a rubbish tip for agricultural use no earlier than the nineteenth century but lets not upset the Freemasons and others who believed and still do that these drywall lava stone structures were strategically positioned to view the summer solstice like finding gold at the end of the rainbow perhaps Jason's Golden Fleece or the Templars Holy Grail

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Boxing Day 2024...

 

CHRISTMAS DOESN'T CHIME

The radio blares like the rain non stop

we talk about the weather talking shop

The vinyl whirs and the belt starts to strain

there's no one to blame but it just don't rhyme

poetic license on a forty-five

the headmasters dog barking up the wrong tree

his masters voice or was it HMV

did we say that in nineteen sixty three?

Smashing seventy-eights at summer fair

stashing home made apple chutney in the

Forest School desk

eating spam from a party fork end spoon

drinking cold coffee from Arcoroc cups

sweeping the hair from the barbers shop floor

Christmas doesn't chime with old memories

doesn't rhyme with thyme like time does with chime

play rock 'n' roll in the fifty-five Ford Pop

Wurlitzer jukebox twenty four seven

it's seventh heaven at the record hop

We talk about the weather talking shop

the radio blares like the rain non stop

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24/30

 

NAPOWRIMO 2024 DAY 30

EVEN BIRMINGHAM

They talk like they think that TV is a real thing because they don't know that things can be lost hidden from view or snatched away from them at a moments notice look at Edinburgh and Bristol I go there all the time change buses catch trains and aeroplanes even Birmingham is important to the national bus company I really don't understand why as it adds two hours or more not only to my journey but to anyone who has to travel north from the south west or south west from the north I go everywhere all the time anywhere sometimes places that even you don't know about places that haven't been aired on TV as yet back streets in unfashionable cities where you can only buy bottled water in one and a half litre bottles sometimes it's fizzy but mostly not you need to read the labels very closely

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Napo 24/5

Napowrimo 2024 Day 5

THE ISLANDERS

After five hundred years they abandoned the island

it really could have been anywhere they had no clue

as to where they lived in relation to the mainland

or to any of the other islands in their archipelago

Clueless as to why they left and unable to understand

their strange language the governor of the mainland

chose to set them to work digging canals to transport

coal and peat to the city for fuel

The Islanders as they came to be known built little houses

for themselves beside the canal tow paths

meanwhile similar houses that they had previously lived in

on the now abandoned island had new occupants

Penguins as numerous as the grains of sand on the sea shore

had taken up residence there any thoughts of going back

to the wind swept isle would have to be shelved

as the whole island had now returned to nature

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Napo 24/3

GLOBAL/NAPOWRIMO 2024 DAY 3

FLYING

Flying ain't for the feint hearted

anything can happen when

runways come up to meet you

at five hundred miles an hour

These things happen more often than you think

they go unreported in case of confusion

Disillusioned? you will be if you keep on flying

How many times have you you been hit

by onboard turbulence flatulence it's not

the clouds and the mountains are out to get you

Apprehension on take off panic on landing

not many atheists on board the last flight I took

everybody was crying out to their god

after a bumpy touchdown at Ninoy Aquino

If the wings touch the deck we're done for

I heard one punter scream crying out to god for help

bless the pilot bless the plane forgive me god

I won't do that naughty thing again he said

almost convincing those in earshot

but most probably not his god

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Glass bottles...

 

Andy's 150 word daily nonsense challenge

(What will you write?)

Here's mine:

MENTAL NOTES

Big plans mental notes for all those unfulfilled plans we all have them deep down there somewhere at the back of our minds where we want to do so many things in such a short space of time we really intend to do these things but rarely do do we I've got big plans to build a glass bottle wall and have already collected six one ton builders sand delivery sacks full of the fluming things it nearly killed me drinking all that beer cider red wine and bottles of spirits not to mention the Champagne Cava and Prosecco that I'm not all that partial to but I do like the shape of their bottles and can see them sitting sweet in my wall the other thing I'm planning apart from laying the concrete foundations is building a cutting apparatus to make and shape bottle bricks mental notes big plans

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When the sun shines...

 

Andy's 150 word daily nonsense challenge

(What will you write?)

Here's mine:

HIS SOLAR ENERGY

Closing my eyes I try to think of ways to heat the house for free there's a powerful sun up there maybe he will lend me some of his solar energy so here goes I cut into the water supply pipe to the kitchen sink and plumb it to an old central heating radiator which I fix to the outside wall of the house I then plumb another piece of pipe back from the radiator to the tap the idea being that the sun heats up the water in the radiator so I can do the washing up for free at the kitchen sink it works when the sun shines directly however I need to think of something smarter I join some copper pipes together attach them to a piece of plywood I plumb the contraption the same way as the radiator it works better but still not hot enough

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New Stuff V

 

Andy's 150 word daily nonsense challenge

(What will you write?)

Here's mine:

GOOSEY GANDER

Priti Patel and Rishi Sunak

they've dealt their way

to the top of the pack

Jokers Jacks Kings and Queens

and now they want to send

everybody else back

If Jesus walked across the sea of Calais he

would be treated like a refugee

bound hand and foot and put

on an air plane to Rwanda

slave trade in the twenty first century

no human rights or lawyers to fight the might

of the minds that rob you blind and tax you out of sight

it's like you've won the lottery in reverse

with the curse of a free flight to Rwanda

and there's nowhere to hide

for the great and the good that washed up with the tide

they'll round them up and call them Goosey Gander

Priti and Rishi must think that

they've got all the aces up their sleeve

in a sick card game of make believe

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14th/29

 

Napowrimo 2022 DAY #29

& Andy's 150 Word Daily Nonsense Challenge

THE LURGY

They think that it's all over but it's not even started yet the lurgy political football ugly as sin they want to drag you down and bury you somewhere in the deep blue yonder once they start killing they can't stop they say everybody kills somebody sometime even if it's only a fly but they don't stop there they load the Kalashnikov's up and start firing at anything that moves often their own troops undisciplined as they are it's dog eat dog out there if you can find one that's got four legs and still breathing if you can't get fresh meat to eat it's those rusty tins in the backpack and the stale bread that you wouldn't eat unless you were starving and they are nobody's talking about infected bats now but whole cities in different countries are still locked down thanks to the lurgy we thought they brought

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14th/28

 

Napowrimo 2022 DAY #28

& Andy's 150 Word Daily Nonsense Challenge

THE WAR ON NEED

Cue camera action stop get back start again there's more celluloid on the cutting room floor than loaded up to this film we're going to go digital if we waste any more and the profits will be cut by half or even more but none of these things will matter much if we can't overcome the war on need the war on greed the war that's banging down our door if we can't afford the fuel to run the vehicles we have and the cooking and heating appliances in our homes what will we do how will we cook the food that we can ill afford how will we heat just one room in our abode how will we find work when millions are on the dole when we don't have the right skills to fulfil the needs of the major employers and what happens when those same companies fold

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14th/18

Napowrimo 2022 DAY #18

& Andy's 150 Word Daily Nonsense Challenge

HIDDEN SECRETS

Information is key to our understanding of the Universe not simply for now but for the secret minute that moment of inspiration of innovation without which nothing that we have could ever have possibly taken place vast sums of money are exchanged for correct information a small difference of a percentage or two can cost buyers sellers and investors hundreds of millions of dollars in seconds decisions coupled with information will become powerful when mixed in the right way we each have a need that goes deeper than drilling the ground beneath the oceans very few people alive these days know the hidden secrets and the mysterious dilemma of whether to do or don't give birth to a new invention that could change our lives forever with the express power of life over death these things you already know but soon I will reveal everything that you need to know

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14th/16

 

Napowrimo 2022 DAY #16

& Andy's 150 word Daily Nonsense Challenge

DAYTIME TV

Devon and Cornwall up in Dartmoor or down by the sea

make your dreams come true in the Westcountry

believe the hype on Daytime TV that you can retire to a new county

of course you can and you'll love it too if you play Rugby or support Argyle

if you like a laugh it makes me smile when I watch the bile on Daytime TV

if you're not ready to sell your house and move just yet you can get a doer upper

for the price of a cuppa and flip it for a profit on Daytime TV

but don't go down the route of a second house or holiday home

it's not the done thing any more now than it ever was

it keeps the workers poor and the poor poorer than they were before

buy a Fisherman's cottage if you like he won't need it any more

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14th/13

Napowrimo 2022

DAY #13

YOU'RE FIRED

They talk you down until you're worn out they always know better than you do of course because they've seen it all before been there done that sold more than you've even bought so do you have a business plan or don't you if not you're fired but don't worry it's not real life it's just junk TV if you've got nothing better to do or there's no football on the other side talking of sides there's hundreds of channels on the box these days which one would anyone want to watch and why maybe one without commercial breaks or perhaps one with so you can multitask multitask TV that's a new one on me but I think we all do that sometimes don't we I find that if I read a book watch TV and do the crossword at the same time I fall asleep but that's just me

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14th/10

 

Napowrimo 2022 DAY #10

& Andy's 150 word Daily Nonsense Challenge

VAST NEW WORLD

The bus flies past the shops I wanna get off

I scream the driver ignores me

When the next stop comes I get off as quickly as I can

I've never been this far before avenues criss cross streets

Buildings higher than hills taller than trees

I can no longer hear the birds singing for the roar of heavy traffic

Everywhere I look there are people either in cars or on motorcycles

and bicycles or simply walking the streets seemingly aimlessly like me

Before long I become very lost in this vast new world

I never suspected that my bus would actually run to such a place as this

I had always thought that the shopping parade was at the end of the world

and that the bus just turned around and came back after my usual stop

but now my eyes have been opened to a strange new world

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