I know you love me but if you follow me I'll love you too!

Saturday, 7 September 2019

Leave or stay...

So you wanna get outta here fast faster than a speeding shinkansen quicker than that air-ship that they said would change the world nothing does that that quick but everything that happens happens for a reason everything has a season a time to live a time to cry a time to do a time to dye your hair too many people want what they can't have want what you've got will drag you to the floor and will come kicking chicken licking raving and screaming to your Vardo caravan door who's selling tickets for the final curtain who can you trust when the government refuse to represent those that elected them please don't vote unless you're certain the little dzien dobry girls laughing in the factory canteen at the boys and down the hall the left luggage office whirls crammed to the hilt with broken toys the good old boys of the boys brigade no lack of moral fibre here missing in action presumed dead comrade we don't need this kind of fear if we leave what about the NHS if we stay what about the corporate debt on the right what will happen to this mess on the left looking for a deal I bet jaw jaw brexit what a bore we don't want this war no more who's going to pick the fruit if Italian Sam the man from Castel del Monte and the Romanian women can't come what will happen if all the Poles go back to Warsaw and the anomaly of it all is that the Irish can vote in the UK and the English don't even recognise Eire as a foreign country yet anyhow you can't leave the room and still stay in it you can't say one thing and do chuff all from the darkness the light was lit they tell me pride comes before a fall where there's a will there's a way what does God say about this mess the wind is ill for the people have no say the parting of the waters post traumatic stress see-saw whatsit yeah yeah hot foot we don't want this war no more they don't know not what we hoot jaw jaw brexit what a bore who's selling tickets for the final curtain please don't vote unless you're certain there's never a good time to get your feet wet die with your boots on hit them where it hurts carry on up the khyber sideways if you have to affix bayonets give it to them good style the trouble is that both sides have good points I guess that's why the vote was split too close making a deal is the wrong term to use to deal is to put your cards on the table cards is a gamble and someone will lose confusion illusion and all that jizz that'll soon fizzle out an arrangement would be a better word make for a better world with BM and her Mercedes friends but what about the backstop easy peasy lemon squeezy forget about the Mexican Berlin Hadrian's Wall all we have to do is to let Ulster and her 1.9 million punters which is a million less than the West Midlands or Greater Manchester and only a little bit more than Merseyside or South Yorkshire claim dual citizenship with Eire like that end of the Island wants them to and bingo job done whilst in days gone by er der yes busman at Maine Road the advertising slogan on the old main stand roof used to say around a million renters can't be wrong although four million more voters want to leave than stay but the forty eight per cent still need their say the vociferous mediocrity whatever happened to democracy all of the ball's got to be over all of the line or it's not a goal and we think that's fine according to technology first past the post will win no need to re-count the votes so what's the problem do you think that the fifty two per cent have changed their minds or perhaps that apathy has set in maybe that is the problem and the hope that things might change with another vote would a general election float your boat or another referendum dum dum to dumb things down in this mad circus for that clown but like I said thirty six or more moons ago nothing will change the rich will still be richer than the poor the skyscrapers will still go up like the prices for essential things according to the left wings press but fall almost drastically if you listen to the right so who's wrong anyway only time will tell and there's not much of that left or is there if the truth be known we'll most likely have another three years or more of indecision arguments and political unrest and here's me looking forward to that pre 1973 two pence Mars Bar and petrol at seven pence a litre and the thing that's not been mentioned yet no VAT on the other hand we have to look at the human rights employment laws and the safeguarding of the NHS if we leave without an arrangement they're anybody's guess and you couldn't trust Boris to deliver on climate change with his china plate playing top trumps with Don for fun with a dodgy card and a loaded gun up his manicured sleeve if I were you I would start growing potatoes 'cos by all accounts we'll be on war rations soon so get yourself a fishing rod or better still a canoe or two and catch some cod for fish and chips and make sure your ration book is up to date or you'll be late and stuck at the back of the queue for bread and honey and there won't be any money left at the bank you'll need a wheel barrow full of dosh to get some nosh do you really wanna leave hard cheddar cheese
070919/1000 words

Brexit exit XXI

Trick or treat don't confuse me not my muse
what could be worse than your chapter and verse
nothing adds up Johnson you're not much use
running with blinkers no time to rehearse

Euro no deal there's nothing to compare
they tell you sell you up the river gems
forty eight fifty two don't care how rare
bell bottoms flairs we're stitched up like their hems

Sixty forty mind the gap right to write
seventy thirty would be really fair
Boris and his belly are not that bright
backstop cricket silly mid-on hot air

To do it right you need to do it well
get it right and there's nothing you can't sell

Monday, 12 August 2019

How we evolved?

maybe or perhaps not but some say
that the aliens emerged from the sea
others of course maintain that evolution
is what it was all about
then many years later as technology became available
telescopes and cameras were deployed on the moon
and aimed at the earth to record all that they saw

but time out there isn't the way we see it down here
therefore what goes up may or may not come down
and the future might not start after the present
much like the past is more than likely
not necessarily before the present day
in fact there are no different days out there
all days and or nights for that matter are exactly the same

and it's cold I mean really cold but nobody grows old
and nobody dies they just float off to another place
to a new existence exponentially through the roof
if they had one if you know what I mean but they don't
and won't get it any more than those that thought
that humanoids evolved from sea creatures
or perhaps aliens that had splash landed in the oceans
of the world and eventually crawled ashore

no one really believes anything any more
they simply accept what they have or have not been told
the great unwashed the gullible multitudes
give me your money I'll come and collect it
if time doesn't exist what are we doing here
waiting for morning and going to work
why do we bother scrimping and saving
for a day that may not even rain

and the Moonsters out there are filming Genghis Khan
and the Great Wall of China
and one day not that there are any days out there of course
some of us are going to go there and crash land on the moon
and bring the recordings back to earth
so everybody will finally know what really happened
and won't have to rely on or believe in
the supposedly recorded history of our planet

but you won't really want to travel there by rocket
if I were you and thankfully I'm not you or anybody else
that I know or perhaps don't but believe me I would wait
until new space technology has been developed
something safer and faster or maybe you should go fishing
with that metal detector you stashed in the attic all those years ago
and bag yourself one of those alien craft that litter the ocean floor
it's only a matter of knowing where to look
or perhaps to hook it if you dig and don't get wet just saying

Saturday, 3 August 2019

Ice Age

Something happened before the ice cream man came
to town and all the earth froze over
speculation intimidation and other words
screaming off the pages some hyphenated
punctuated with exclamation marks
long before commas and full stops were invented
many describing worlds of words bigger than marmalade
and with more letters than a pillar box
on the last posting day before Christmas
so when the fishing smacks went down
some say that dinosaurs roamed the earth
and different types of humanoids evolved
but shut the door what really happened
if the truth be known nobody really knows
except for the fact that something went very badly wrong
demonic degenerates dignitaries with holes in heads
shrunken brains an unevolved species of plant eating mammals
living in the canopy of trees others underground some in caves
a warring world of hand walking acrobats
clamouring to eke out a basic existence
screaming without words self strangulation
an unintelligible language of frustration
pretending to be something that was never meant to be
individuals living in a counterfeit universe
the copy-cat intellectuals of the pre-dawn
fighting for the right to be heard to be seen
to be who they were wrongly told that they were meant to be
the parallel universe planting thoughts upside down inside out
outlandish as a troglodyte on heat
who would have thought that eternity
had anything to do with all their mess
but time or the concept of it that we now know and use
the time that we keep and rely upon didn't yet exist
the different ones came and went some stayed
buried forever in the quick setting sand
for us for you and I to discover rediscover dig out of the clay
for us to adjudicate upon contemplate and marvel at today
but even in a perfect world not many barber shop quartets
butchers bakers or cake makers would ever find the truth

Wednesday, 1 May 2019


Global/NaPoWriMo 2019


I wasn't sure how things were going to pan out this year, as we were away in the Philippines for the first couple of weeks, and my intention was to do a few more pieces for the Plymouth collection which I started last year after we came back. However, I did a follow up to a poem I wrote a few years ago called 'Hello Am I even Home' and I ended up doing several more to start yet another collection. I'll add the latest one below but before I go I must say congratulations to everybody who completed this years NaPoWriMo challenge.

I bought her an Easter egg she loves Easter
and she eats hot cross buns all year round
I only eat them on Good Friday
a few days after Easter she still hadn't eaten her egg
so I asked her when we were going to eat it
she laughed but I wasn't joking

I love chocolate I hid some in the house
but I can't find it now
sometimes I can't remember what I do with things

My friend asked me to wish him luck in the
London Marathon and said he managed three hours
twelve minutes and three seconds last year
this year he's going to try and beat that but he says
he usually gets bored and turns the TV over

Football's like that too the goalkeepers are so good
these days that it's hard to score
I took a penalty at Wembley and booted the ball
over the bar the next time I got the ball I beat five men
and scored I was the hero as we lifted the FA Cup
I dropped the lid and the noise woke me up

I dream about all sorts of things sometimes I dream
that I have been smoking cigarettes but
I gave up fourteen years ago
the other day I dreamt that I was an alcoholic
drinking two bottles of vodka a day
hello am I even sober

But the worst thing I hate is taking all those tablets
every day they tell me its time to take them and
I fall asleep when I wake up they've gone
who are they any way who's helping who
don't take tablets unless you have to

Tuesday, 30 April 2019


Global/NaPoWriMo 2019

Day Thirty

She bought me a present
she said it was second hand
but what she really meant was
that it had a second-hand
because it was a wristwatch

I love wearing watches
with a simple stainless steel bracelet
and a white face with black numerals

Sometimes I can't tell the time though
because I put it on upside down
who would do that you ask
well it depends who dresses me
you see they don't really care
they just want to go home
as soon as they can

They tell me they're on job and finish
but I still pay them for half a day each
every day hello am I even crazy

They take me to the park
but I suspect its a car park
as we sit in the car and talk about the radio
not working because it's raining

I want to listen to the football but
they think football's the same as cricket
they hate cricket because they think its boring
they're boring they just sit there and talk sideways

I tell them I want to go home they start the car
and then remember that they've not done the shopping
we've got no milk they tell me and if you want toast
we'll have to buy some more bread and butter

We drive to the hypermarket they're really hyper now
running around like mad things on the shopping trolley
or should I say off it 'cos in reality that's what they are

When we get home it's time for them to go
I make my own toast and hot butter it with Marmite
they don't like Marmite I'm happy about that because
it's not the cheapest thing in the cupboard
I make a cup of tea with three sweeteners and let it go cold
I go to bed and drink it when I wake up

Monday, 29 April 2019


Global/NaPoWriMo 2019

Day Twenty Nine

Sometimes things don't feel quite right
like walking backwards or uncontrollable laughter
why do mad things happen to me

I went down to the ocean some people call it the briny
but when the waves came in over my feet
I had to run back up the beach
it's not that I don't like getting wet
it's simply that it makes me dizzy looking out to sea

People say that it's the salt but I like salt
people tell me lots of things
I can't remember most of the things that they tell me
they say things like
don't stand too close to the water or you'll get wet

I think they don't know that I already know these things
even though sometimes I sort of forget
like I said to the people on the beach I asked them really
but they ignored me hello am I even me
they must have thought that I was talking to myself
or to my secret friend as one of them put it

Okay I said why can't you drink seawater
nobody really knew and then I remembered
the story about a Frenchman who was shipwrecked
and survived many days in the blue how did he do it
by drinking a tiny sip of seawater every day
that's what he told me anyway

Sunday, 28 April 2019


Global/NaPoWriMo 2019

Day Twenty Eight

He tells jokes all day every day
most of them aren't very funny
and the worst thing I hate is that
he laughs his head off because
he genuinely thinks that he is funny

Or maybe just perhaps he laughs
and tells jokes simply to annoy me
hello am I even laughing

He told me the one about the
black and white TV the other day
but I can't remember the punchline
I think it was something about
monochrome whatever that is

He was on the stage once in front of
thousands of people when he forgot the
end of the joke he was telling half way through
I asked him what happened next
he told me he couldn't remember

When I asked him what
he was doing in my house
he said he didn't really know

First of all he thought I should hear another joke
then he told me that he didn't have one today
but he had heard a funny story on the bus
about a right on vegetarian
that went for a drink in a pub
this bloke wouldn't dream of going to FarmFoods
or the like and when the barman asked him
if he would like ice in his drink
he said yes please but none of that frozen nonsense

Well I actually thought that that one was funny
so I laughed a little bit
but of course it wasn't one of his jokes
it was simply one he had overheard on the bus

I asked him what he was doing in my house again
because I couldn't remember what he told me earlier
but he couldn't remember either

Saturday, 27 April 2019


Global/NaPoWriMo 2019

Day Twenty Seven

I think but I think they don't care
what I think why would they
they have their own problems somewhere
so why would they worry about mine

I don't worry about them
I don't even think about them
when they've gone home
who are they anyway they all
sound the same when they talk to me

One of them brought me butterflies one day
I don't know how she got them into the house
but they were flying around all day
until she went home

When I asked her about the butterflies
a few days later she couldn't remember
bringing them in fact she actually said
that I must have imagined it

Imagine me imagining anything
hello am I even thinking
they think that I can't remember anything
since I lost the other half of my brain
but what do they know they don't think
that I can still think even if I want to

Friday, 26 April 2019


Global/NaPoWriMo 2019

Day Twenty Six

She looks up when I enter the room
and quickly reverts back
to what she was doing
what was she doing
I don't know she doesn't tell me

She's always on that mobile thing
I used to think it was a telephone
but that's daft because
it's not connected to the wall socket
and sometimes she watches films on it

Oh yes its got a screen like a TV
only smaller of course so it will fit in her pocket
only she doesn't have any pockets
so she puts it in her handbag
anyway she talks to it more than she talks to me

How can you talk to that thing
all day and all night long I ask her

I'm not talk talking just for the sake of talking
she says everybody does it these days texting
and sharing things online you should try it

I try to ignore her but she always knows best
even when she doesn't want to talk to me
I'm not saying that she really really doesn't
but it does look that way sometimes

I sit there with my box of crayons
drawing every type of shape I can remember
pyramids circles squares you name it

You can create until the cows come home she tells me
but you'll never come up with an original design
you may or just might discover a thing or two however

Me discover something I think I just have
hello am I even wanted