Kids eat free...

McDOODLES

RESTAURANT

Welcome

to

McDoodles.

No dogs

only

Guide dogs.

No alcohol

only

Alcoholics.

No rollerskates

only

Rollerskaters.

Kids eat free

only

don't sick-up!

24707

Poor vs Rich...

WHY THE RICH STAY FAT
The poor stay poor
and the rich get fat
and the small stay
smaller than the tall.
If the rich gave their
riches to the poor that
would mean the rich
were rich no more.
So if the poor and
the rich were poor
the dream would end.
For that would mean
the poor could never
be rich and the rich
could never be richer
than the poor!
6382

Stormy Weather...

WITCHES
When three Witches meet
to conjure up the weather
you know that they'll
brew up a storm.
They'll plot a dry spell
at midnight,
to let the cats play,
ending at dawn with
the broom sticks away.
And then schedule rain
for the rest of the day!
9707A

RAIN
They talk about global warming
and climatic change but the erratic
weather is not getting better
I wanted it hotter but it's
getting wetter it rained all last
winter + summer again
and tomorrows forecast
is more of the same...
9707B

The worrying sort...

WORRY WART
They say that
you're the worrying sort.
Much more than that
you're a real worry wart!
You die if you worry,
you die if you don't!
So, what are you
worrying for?
27607

Song #11

NO, NO, NO!
Do you thinks
we going to make it
huh, monkey?
No, no, no!
me don't thinks so!
Me don't thinks
we going to make it.
La, da, de, de, da, da, da.
Do you thinks
we going to make it
for Christmas?
Hey, Santa?
No, no, no!
I don't thinks so!
I don't thinks
we going to make it.
La, da, de, de, da, da, da.
I don't thinks
we going to make it
for Easter!
No, no, no, no, no, no, No!
Oi, that's not funny bunny!
No, no, no!
Me don't thinks so!
Me don't thinks
we going to make it!
La, da, de, de, da, da, da.
Repeat/expand
AS1979

Violin thing...

BOW STRING
You said that I was
the string to your bow!
I thought that you meant
that I was the one that
fired your Cupid's arrow.
But I didn't know that
you had many strings
and your bow was the thing
from your old violin!
16407

Spotmandu...

FOUND POEM?
Spotted on a sandwich board outside a pub in Dublin's Temple Bar.

BELFAST BRUNCH
Boiled potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Roast potatoes
Chips!
Somebody crossed out
Belfast brunch
and chalked in
Dublin Sunday Lunch!
1494

No matter what...

THAT'S DEAD
No matter what I say or do -
someone, somewhere,
will have said + done it better.
So take this letter + read what
I have to say to you.
And if you don't do the things
I ask of you - Remember,
it won't be me that's dead!
16407

Word World War...

MUSHROOM CLOUD DAY!
We've got blacks and whites
and arabs and jews still fighting
and those muslim brothers are
still killing each other down there.
They've got soup kitchens in LA
and red cross parcels in Bombay
and in Moscow and Tashkent
nobody can pay their rent.
Naive, nuke you? but don't you worry
about the brew queue, there won't be any
broth left on mushroom cloud day.
'Cos, you've just lost The Word World War!
Previously published on Proper Joe's 131006

Moan for England...

MY NEXTDOOR
NEIGHBOUR
Yes, she's my
nextdoor neighbour
she's a Wuss!...
She's a whinger,
she's a minger,
such a Wuss!
Oh, she's my
nextdoor neighbour
and she could
moan for England
and she does!
She knows
every jot + tittle
and she even
dots the 'I's.
All the locals
think she's posh!
But I know -
she's got no dosh!
'Cos she gave
it to the Cat's Home
she's a Wuss!
She wears furry boots
but she's no puss!
They say that:
She's the cats pyjama's...
But, she always
makes a fuss!
She's a whinger,
she's a minger,
such a Wuss!
AS3507

Everything would be a Wow!...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!
(JUST TELL ME HOW!)
Welcome to Nicola's situation!
Tune-in to her radio station
when she broadcasts to the
nation she's talking to you!
If we could re-live our memories,
we would all be climbing trees!
And nobody would graze their knees!
If only life was like that now...
Everything would be a Wow!
So, Nicola! Please, please, please!
Tell me how? Go on Nicola!
Please, please, please!
Just tell me how?
AS4507

Song #10

Song #9

CANALETTO
From Suez to Corinth to Venice...
The whole world's gone waterways crazy!
From Panama to Manchester to Amsterdam!
Look - How Canaletto I am?
By Gondola, Water-Taxi or Ferry!
The whole world's gone waterways crazy!
By Vaporetto, Barge or by Steam-Tramp...
Look - How Canaletto I am?
Oarsman, Fisherman or Cabin-Boy!
The whole world's gone waterways crazy!
Sailor, Gondolier or Speed- Boat-Man!
Look - How Canaletto I am?
repeat.
DW23407

Overheard in the Pub...

CHATTING HER UP
THE WRONG WAY!
(OVERHEARD IN PUB)
I'm going to ask
you a question
and I want you
to answer me
Yes or No!
And you'll say No!
And I'll say:
If you change
your mind -
you know where I am!
And you'll say:
I won't! -
and we'll leave
it at that!
Except for -
you'll say:
What was the question?
And I'll say:
Will you be my lover?
And you'll say No!
DW16407

GUEST BOOK...

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT ON THIS GUEST BOOK POSTING - JUST TO LET ME KNOW THAT YOU HAVE FOUND MY NEW REALLY BAD POETRY/LYRIC BLOG!

NEW POSTINGS...

WATCH THIS SPACE FOR NEW POSTINGS WEEKLY!!! UPDATED EVERY TUESDAY!

ARCHIVE POETRY + SONG LYRICS...

ALL POETRY TITLES ARE IN BLUE + ALL SONG TITLES ARE IN RED

for an indepth look at my pub-poetry archive

you can visit my blogspot:

StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet...

LAST STAND
I went to the new bus shelter
on Churchill Way and looked
down at Salford Ski Slope.
Like everything else
it looked neglected.
Grass had started to grow
through the white squares.
No plastic bread crate
toboggan, no mangled bike
frame without wheels,
no toughened glass
panels lying about.
In fact it looked too neat -
the grass banking had
recently been mown.
I looked away in
search of a 52 bus...
Then it caught my eye
a single plywood panel -
resting at the bottom
of the slope!
DW1993CCLSIS

MY TWO STRING VIOLIN!
I got meself a Tennis Bat
it only had one string
I thought it was a Banjo
but it wouldn't swing.
So I took it down to
the Viola man -
and this is what he say,
He said: I see you've got
yerself a 'one string thing'
it must've cost a packet
and it makes a racket!
But, If yer wanna make
that rot-box swing!
Yer gonna have to get
yerself another string.
So I toddled on down to
The Ukelele Shop and
got meself a bass string
put on top!
Now, you want to hear
my, Two-String-Thing!
Swing, two string swing,
swing, two string swing!
You want to hear my
Two-String-Guitar swing!
Swing, two string swing,
swing, two string swing!
You want to hear my
Two-String-Violin!
DW19992

SWEET NOTHINGS

To my secret lover

just to let you know,

that I can't live

without my girlfriend

'cos I love her so!!

How I wish that

she was near -

how I dream that

she was here.

So I could whisper

in her ear:

Sweet, sweet, sweet,

sweet nothings!

That only she can hear.

Lots of pots and pans of love

and pockets overflowing...

But without my girlfriend near -

but without my lover here,

there ain't no way of knowing:

Sweet, sweet, sweet,

sweet nothings!

That only she can hear.

From your secret love...

Guess who?

28701

LYRICIST SEEKS MUSICIAN

I can't do what you can do.

Like Dylan, Lennon + Lou can do!

' Cos I can't write a tune - like you!

And very soon, if I don't hear from you!

I'll have a zillion words to throw away!

Call Danny today:0911-555-4999

DW9797

COWARDY CUSTARDS

Last one to the bottom's

a Cowardy custard said

little Joey aged five.

He was seated behind

his baby brother,

Christopher aged two in

their plastic breadcrate

toboggan, precariously

perched at the top of

Salford Ski Slope.

(Bet not many people

know about that.)

Next down was

Brian aged seven.

He slid to the bottom

on a mangled bike frame

without any wheels.

But the fastest and best

skier was Carol aged six,

on a piece of toughened

glass from the old bus

shelter on Churchill Way.....

Previously published in

Cowardy Custard's Last

Stand in Salford 1992

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